oh what a night
all rightey.....
We were awakened by loud coughing coming over the baby monitor, around 1:15am.  We waited a few minutes, and then Richie went in to see what was going on. Ben was sound asleep, all snuggled on his tummy with his tushy in the air, but coughing like nobody's business.  He was asleep! Didn't open his eyes once. So, we decided to keep an ear open for him in case Bad Things started, and went back to bed.  He wasn't struggling to breathe, no labored breathing like when he has RSV, and since he has a pretty bad post-nasal drip, we decided to just let him be.  Except then I was awake, thinking about all of the horrible things that could go wrong, and I started having a major anxiety attack. Terrible, terrible anxiety attack. So I took 1mg of ativan to try to relax me and encourage sleep.  It worked, and I slept until 6:30. Ben, who usually wakes up at 5:45am to eat, did not wake up. It was Richie's night to feed him, and he told me that Ben was snoring away. I had to wake him up at 6:45am to feed him.  He's fine. he spit up in the middle of the night- dried veggies were caked onto his sheets- but he is otherwise right as rain.
When does the worrying end? I know, it never does. I have to figure out a way to manage my anxiety in a better way. Pills are fine, but it's not a long-term solution. Hell, if I had access to pot, I would have smoked some. Desperate times and desperate measures.  But it's been a very, very, VERY long time since i did that, and I didn't want to start searching the streets of Brighton for a score.
Hopefully tonight will be better.